What’s really happening when we “take something for granted”?  We stop noticing a person, a thing, an event or a situation.  We stop being in the moment and experiencing all that it has to offer.  Usually, we experience less of the intense emotion that it first elicited.  In some ways, that’s a good thing.  We wouldn’t want to experience the extreme high spike of emotion we feel on our wedding day, or birth of a child every day. What went up sooner or later, will come down.  It’s lovely to have peaceful non-peak moments with our loved ones. 

Continued exposure to something is the most common reason we first start doing what we call taking it for granted.  When you are crossing the street in a foreign city, you are likely to be acutely present and aware of everything that is going on.  You are not likely to be daydreaming or distracted thinking about what you have to do late in the day.  Back home, you can be balancing grocery bags, or walking the dog as you cross the street without paying much attention and you’re probably just fine.  If we translate that over to relationships, it is easy to see what often happens.  The people that we spend all of our time with are often the ones who get less of our undivided attention.  We basically know their routines and can predict what they think and feel about most things so we think that we don’t have to be fully attentive.  But, of course that is not true and the costs are huge.  

The attention we give to others is not only important because we learn new things but also because we are giving our attention to them.  Our attention, care, concern, and interest in the other is valuable to ourselves as well to the other. We risk losing this special bond and valuable and precious moments when we take it for granted that we already know what they are going to say.   

It’s useful to think of taking things for granted as not being present in the moment.  Our presence and attention is good for us and those around us.  

To being present!

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Have you ever had or do you currently have poor posture?  Have you ever had to rehab from an injury that made you need to change your normal posture or walking gait or something similar to that?  We’re hoping a good number of you have your hands raised, because this metaphor depends on it! 

Good posture actually feels wrong when you are habituated to bad posture.  If you physically adjust someone with a crooked posture to stand straight and balanced, they can almost fall over because it feels SO WRONG!  Their bodies and minds have gotten so used to the unaligned posture that it feels straight to them.  

This is an apt metaphor for the work we do.  Oftentimes when you are working on rediscovering your authentic voice, it can feel jarring or unnatural.  This is why it is so important to have a safe and free space to explore and try things on without consequences.  Our work provides that safe “playground” or “fitting room” to try on our ideas.  It’s a room, a space for our clients to explore themselves.  

Sometimes something feels wrong because it is wrong and other times it feels wrong because you are so used to doing, saying, feeling something else.  It is this latter category that really interests us.  There is a lot of undiscovered and beautiful “stuff” in those feelings, thoughts, and actions. 

To trying things on

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It’s pretty common these days for people to talk about sitting with a feeling or allowing “negative” thoughts without resisting them.  It is in the zeitgeist, whereas just 10-15 years ago you hardly ever heard it. 

It’s great that it is more common to hear the wisdom of “let it be” more universally spoken.  But, at times, things that are widespread also get diluted.  We think this might be one of them.  Letting things be is very different than just ignoring them.  It is our hunch that sometimes folks are using the wisdom of “allowing” and “letting be” as a way to avoid truly dealing with a challenging emotion or situation.

How can you tell the difference?  Letting things be does not mean that we start feeling good.  In fact, sitting with those challenging emotions sometimes can be quite unnerving.  However, when we let the feeling be, peace is the usual result.  One way to tell if you are suppressing something versus letting it be is how disturbed you become when you are reminded of it.  If you've been trying to keep it out of your consciousness (suppressing) then most likely being reminded of it will feel quite agitating.  On the other hand when we are letting something be, it can remain in our consciousness and we get more and more comfortable with the feelings it evokes.

It can be quite challenging to experience something uncomfortable and not think you should be doing something to change it or stop it entirely.  When we face something difficult, we quickly look for relief.  Which is why, letting it be, is such a challenge.  

Letting it be does not mean not doing something about it, it means not distracting yourself from the experience and feelings you are having.  It also means not picking at it, like a scab.  It means what it says it means…letting it just be, without doing anything to it.

Pay attention to yourself.  Can you start distinguishing the experience of letting something be versus suppressing how you feel?  The downstream effects are profound if you can start practicing letting things be more consistently.  

To letting it be,

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There are a lot of things that are simple but not easy.  The instructions can be simple, for example, eat less processed foods. It’s perhaps simple and probably not easy.  Place your attention on your breath. Again, simple, and probably not so easy.  Many of the best pieces of wisdom are simple; which is different from being easy.  

We bring this up because sometimes we get easily discouraged when we confuse simple for easy.  When you set off on a simple path but find you can’t do it, you might think some self- deprecating thoughts.  You might get discouraged.  You might become embarrassed to ask for help.  

All of these things get in the way of heading down a productive path.  It is helpful to remind yourself at these times that the endeavor might be simple, but is not easy.  Simple is not a synonym for easy.  Climbing a mountain is simple; it’s the same thing over and over, one foot in front of the next, but it is never easy.  In fact, it can be quite rewarding because it is not easy.  Some of the most satisfying experiences we have are succeeding at the simple tasks of life.  A lot of that is because they are not easy!

To simplicity, even when it’s not easy

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Artists who are looking to recreate life-like images of either landscapes, people or any kind of object that we see in reality, have to constantly battle with what is known as the “object mind”  The “object mind” is the concept that each of us has an image of what something looks like in our mind.  For example, if right now I told you to draw a mug, you would draw something that your mind has created as an image or concept of a mug.  The mug, assuming you are not trained in overriding the object mind, would probably look somewhat cartoonish.  It would likely not have the characteristics that we all know to be a real mug.  

However, if I showed you a mug and told you, draw this mug, you would probably  begin to notice a lot of details and new things about the mug.  You would notice how the handle relates and connects to the body of the mug, you would see shadows on the mug, you would see dimensionality of the mug and how it isn’t just floating in space.  

For artists, the object mind is a very real obstacle.  They must train themselves to see past their idea of what something looks like to see what it actually looks like.  The reason this is relevant for us is because there is a similarity to how we listen.  Sometimes, we listen to what we think is being said, instead of listening to hear what is actually being said.  

Our active listening can sometimes click off when we think we know where someone is going with an idea that they are sharing.  As Scooby-Doo would say, “ruh-roh.”  There is not much more we need to say here; the problem becomes quite evident.  

So, what is the solution?  As artists have learned to do, we need to constantly demand of ourselves to listen to what is in front of us, not what our minds are telling us should be in front of us.  This is not a task that you can check off a to-do list, but something that you have to attend to and work on daily and in the moment.  There is no shortcut, but like great artists, you can get better and better at it as you continue to practice.

To listening

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Winning the daily comparison game (being better than the next person) is like getting Monopoly money.  No matter how much of it you get, it is still useless in the real world.  One day you are better than so and so, the next you are worse and it seesaws back and forth endlessly.  Sometimes you can buy Park Place with all of your Monopoly money and sometimes you are bankrupt.

Much like with Monopoly, at the end of the day, the game gets folded up and put away.  No matter how much comparison capital you have earned inside your own head, it has no real value.  The only sure thing it delivers is suffering. 

We all want to be successful, to be at the top of our game, to produce results consistent with our mission in life, and to have the relationships we desire.  Accomplishing all of those things, requires a wide and deep understanding of yourself.  

Looking outside of ourselves at how others are doing things can be useful, but only when it inspires us!  You risk limiting returns if you spend too long looking outside of yourself.  The value of being inspired is applying it to your endeavors and using it to help you home in on your most genuine expressions.    

Think about the last time you were in a flow-state, truly satisfied, or at least peaceful and at ease.  How much time did you spend evaluating how good or bad you were? Or, comparing yourself to others?  ZERO.

There’s probably a clue there.

To inspiration

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We consider that acceptance of what is, is a required first-step in making sustained change and progress.  If we start from resistance, upset, and avoidance of an issue, our ability to identify what needs to be changed, effectively change it, and create new workable patterns is compromised.  

Frequently, our work with a client begins with us understanding all the judgements they have about a particular issue that they are unhappy with.  It’s a bit like helping someone with a leg injury get back to running marathons.  First, you have to do a lot of things that have nothing to do with running.  If you start running too quickly…we all know what happens 

During this process, it is not uncommon for us to hear, “I’m not getting any better at this acceptance thing.”  When we hear this, we translate it to, “I’m still resisting my feelings about _________.”    

The “trick” here is that we don’t need to try to accept things.  Our effort needs to be placed on removing resistance.  Accepting things as they are, is our natural baseline.  This is why all meditative practices are looking to return us to this basic ability to be in the moment with everything as it is and everything as it is not.   

So, if you are one of those folks who finds yourself lamenting your lack of ability to accept. Instead of saying “why can’t I accept this?”  Ask, “What am I resisting?”  We think you will have a much easier time addressing whatever comes up.  Afterall, It is easier to let go of something you are gripping, than to ponder about what letting go really means.  Place the attention where it will aid you.   

To the right kind of effort

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Listening to a podcast the other day, we heard something interesting that went a little bit like this:  We judge others based on their actions not their intention, and we judge ourselves based on our intentions not our actions.  

It captures something interesting and ultimately true.  We assume that others' inner and outer worlds are basically the same.  However, we know our actions are sometimes in complete opposition to how we really feel and who we are.  The disclaimer here before continuing is that even if someone means well, it does not excuse them for treating us poorly.   However, there is a lot of grey area between someone treating us so poorly that we need to end the relationship and a perfect relationship.

When we are trying to prevent ourselves from over-reacting to something that someone has said or done, what do we usually do?  Frequently we try and think of WHY they might have done that or said that.  The guy who cut us off in traffic is racing to the hospital.  The girl who frowned at you at the grocery store is actually painfully shy.  

But, it takes work to come up with those compassion-inspiring interpretations.  Our lightning-fast reaction is to interpret their unpleasant (to us) actions as indicative of what kind of person they are.  But we do the opposite with ourselves, we have lots of explanations for why our actions are not great barometers of what we truly feel or who we are.  Not responding to someone's text isn’t because you don’t care about them, but rather because you're anxious not to say the wrong thing…and of course they should know that! 

Paying attention to this disparity can bring us a lot more peace and understanding for both others and ourselves.  There’s a reason the phrase, “give them the benefit of the doubt” is popular.  We tend not to give strangers, friends, family the benefit of compassion when we really don’t know their inner world.  As always, pausing and taking time before reacting (both internally and externally) usually bears soul-nourishing fruit.  

To benefiting from more doubt

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Have you ever noticed that at times, anger is more motivating than joy?  The other day a friend had a bad experience with a retailer and wanted to give a bad review.  I overheard him struggling to find the correct screen to place his review.  I could tell it was becoming quite cumbersome to submit his bad review.  But, he persisted and persisted because he said that he wasn’t going to let them get away with it.  I have never seen him withstand this level of inconvenience to leave a positive review.

It got us thinking. Why is anger and expressing displeasure sometimes more attractive and motivating than sharing joy and appreciation?  We have a number of answers, and if you’ve worked with us, you will know our approach to this, however that is not the topic of this newsletter. 

Instead, we want to leave you with that curious thought.  Can you identify a time or two when you jumped over hurdles to tell someone, or an organization, or the world, your displeasure?   Can you think of some examples when you went out of your way to say “thank you”, either verbally or in writing?  I’m sure many of you have examples of both.  Perhaps, it’s a matter of degree.  Really, really unpleasant things get our attention and really, really good things get our attention.  Most of our life is spent in the middle of those extremes.  What would life be like if we appreciated all the little positive things that occur around us daily and looked to improve and give constructive feedback about the negative ones?

Like we said, this letter is not about leaving you with a conclusive thought, but rather encouraging  you to think about how this shows up in your life. 

To gratitude over complaints (or at least in balance)

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Do you ever wonder why you keep repeating the same behavior over and over, even when you know it doesn’t work well or create the results you want?

If you think of your mind as having been installed with computer programming, instructions, the answer becomes clearer.  Our “conscious” mind (for lack of a better descriptor) holds the instructions for all of the ways we want to be.  It is rational and charts a course from where we are to where we want to be with clear logical steps that the best how-to writers in the world would sign off on.  BUT, our actions are not always motivated by our “conscious” mind alone.  

Sometimes, our undealt with past, things that caused us upset, loss, fear, anger, etc, come up and drag us into behavior that is, at times, in complete opposition to what we say we want.  Usually this happens without us even being aware that our fears are diverting the course we charted.  

If you have a particular pattern in your life that keeps getting replayed over and over, it might be time to ask if there is some faulty “computer programming” that is operating during critical moments.  Sometimes, achieving certain results might threaten some of your thinking, or cause you to feel things that you do not want to feel.

It explains why a simple behavioral approach to unworkable patterns has limitations.  If you don’t understand your "computer programming," no matter how many times you adjust your path to success, you will keep hitting a wall.

Sometimes things beyond our “conscious” minds can cause us to repeat what doesn’t work in our lives.  Becoming aware of what lies beneath the surface can make a huge difference.  When we know more, we can make better decisions.  Our work for over 40 years has been helping people transcend or simply update the program generated by their “computer.”

To consciousness!

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