words left unspoken go off to scream deep inside us.

- Christian Bobin

It is quite an evocative idea.  The one edit we would make to this sentence is that words left unspoken, because you’re afraid to share them, go off to scream deep inside of us.  

When we think we CAN’T say something,  when we think our choice has been taken from us and we have to shut up, we harbor those unspoken words inside of us and they often eat away at our well-being and health.  

One of the ways we help our clients is by increasing their experience of choice.  It can be deeply damaging when we consider we have lost autonomy and choice.  Think of those moments when you’ve thought, “I can’t say that” or thought that you have to say something that isn’t true for you (for instance apologizing).  These unexpressed feelings tend to fester.  

The solution is not to say everything, but rather to pay attention to those times when you say things like, "I can’t say that” or "I have no choice but to stay quiet.”  At times, of course, It may be prudent for you to not say something.  Knowing that you are choosing not to say something can be the difference between peace and suffering.  More on this to come!

To choosing!

The post What have you left unsaid appeared first on Workability Inc..

The conventional approach to compromise is that it is a necessary component for healthy relationships.  The usual line is: To have a good relationship, you need to compromise.  We couldn’t disagree more.  The common definition of compromise is that one party concedes to the other.  And if we look up concede, we find the word defeat.  Essentially one party has to sacrifice what they want.  You can see how with just a little digging, compromise (conceding, defeat, and sacrifice) doesn’t sound like a desired ingredient for good relationships, rather it appears to be the fertile ground for resentment, mistrust, and competition.  

It seems to boil down to the question: In order for one person to get what they want, i.e. win, does the other need to lose?  We say an assertive NO.  Mutuality and mutual-wins come from communication and enrollment.  If before heading into any decision, both parties were to decide this needs to be a total win for both of us, think how differently they would bring themselves to that conversation.  

Once we are willing to reveal our whole truth, why something matters to us, and how much we care about it working out well for everyone, our ability to come up with mutually beneficial solutions is amazingly increased.  Starting with the intention that everyone is going to walk away with what they want, can and will drastically change the outcome of the conversation.  

If you are thinking this is too Pollyanna, well maybe it is.  But we would rather imagine and act consistent with a future of mutual wins than settle for the conventional win-lose model that has been the source of so many unworkable outcomes.

To mutuality

The post Enough Compromising appeared first on Workability Inc..

"You hurt my feelings" is something most of us dread hearing.  As such, we often bend ourselves into pretzels to avoid hearing it, or use it as a terrible accusation of another.  Yet, what does it mean?  If we consider sadness, anger, and happiness to be feelings – how exactly could our sadness/anger/happiness be hurt?  We think a fitting translation is closer to: “you did (or didn’t do) something and now I’m feeling things that I don’t want to be feeling.”

This is such an important distinction because it points to our responsibility (or lack of it).  When we’re truly taking responsibility, we know that someone else can’t make us feel something.  They can do things that we don’t like, they can even do things with the intent to upset us, but the actual feeling part is completely, 100%, up to us.  

It’s perhaps easiest to see this with young children.  If a four-year-old screams in fury that they hate you…you probably don’t take it all that seriously. You don’t get the same sort of upset as you would if your partner yelled that same exact thing.  We tell a story about the four-year-old yelling that doesn’t have us be as upset as the story we tell if our partner were to yell at us.  It’s the story we tell, NOT what the other is doing that sources our feelings.

Adhering to the belief that your feelings are dependent on someone else’s behavior is seriously asking for trouble.  Next time you say, or even think, “you hurt my feelings,” slow down and notice if what you are really REALLY saying is, “I don’t like what I’m feeling.” It can be an incredibly important step in taking responsibility for your own feelings.

To responsibility

The post You Hurt My Feelings appeared first on Workability Inc..

The other day I was at lunch with two friends who were working something out that was of so little consequence, it could barely even be called an argument.  Then all of a sudden it seemed to erupt.  The “how dare you accuse me of” and “how could you think I…” started and they were off.  As a witness, I could see that they were neither understanding each other, nor were they looking to understand each other. They were in the protect/attack mode that we so often get into when we’re in an argument or feeling threatened.

As I was listening to them, I realized how much they both seemed like computers that needed a restart.  All of their usual abilities to communicate clearly and effectively were jammed up.  I’m sure you know that moment when your computer just stops responding to normal commands, a document you tried to open two minutes ago suddenly opens, your email stops loading, and you get alerts about programs failing to respond.   Usually, the computer just simply needs to be restarted.   This simple model is applicable to us humans as well.  Restart – take a minute, get back to yourself, think of how you want to bring yourself to this argument, and start again.

One caveat: Be mindful of the classic approach of taking a break to “cool off” during an argument and then later just avoiding it all together.  It may take a few restarts, and we think you’ll find this really helps.

To as many restarts as it takes. 

The post Restarting appeared first on Workability Inc..

Have you ever noticed that when you’re walking around your own yard you tend to notice all the flaws?  You notice how that rose bush isn’t blooming as well this year, the grass has weeds, and the hydrangea is a bit misshapen because the sun is blocked by another tree.  

Compare that to the thoughts you have when you walk in the woods.  You don’t criticize a tree that is growing at an angle, or moss that is only partly covering a rock.  You don’t point out all the weeds, you look around in awe and appreciation at the beauty and diversity of plant life and wildflowers.  

What is this trend all about?  Many of us have the inclination to criticize, judge, and find fault with the things closest to us – the things that might reflect on us.  When our self-worth gets tied to external markers, like the state of our yard, we risk becoming very controlling and judgmental. 

Can you guess at the most destructive area where this occurs in our lives?  In our relationships.  When your employee, co-worker, friend, child, parent, etc., becomes (in your mind) a reflection of you, they likely get an extra dose of your fault-finding.  Trying to increase our self-worth and self-esteem from outside of ourselves is always dangerous, for ourselves and everyone around us.  Pay attention to this trend in your own life; what do you notice?

To less judgments and more appreciation

The post How do you look at your garden? appeared first on Workability Inc..

If you want to be the person at the party who always has something to say and is never at a loss for words, be interested.  The most interesting people in the world are the ones who are the most interested.  When you are genuinely interested, you will never run out of questions.  Think about your average two-year-old.  They are endlessly curious.  They are interested in everything and they never run out of questions.  Genuine interest is like that.  It is also full of enthusiasm.  And, because you're an adult not a two-year-old…you will most likely know when to stop asking “why?” because you are bothering everyone!

Exchange your desire to be thought of as interesting or smart, for a hunger to find out and know.  Being curious about someone is a benefit to you both.  Rather than trying to be seen as smart, insightful, worldly, in-the-know, or any of the other exhausting “want-to-be-seen-as” qualities, consider offering someone your full interest and attention.  You’ll likely find that you no longer get tongue-tied, nervous, or awkward.  And wouldn’t the world be a much more wonderful place if we gave others our interest, rather than pretentious conversations in the hope to get them to think something about us.

You’ll likely find you have so much more to offer and provide once you stop trying to SEEM smart, interesting, creative, etc.

Next time that you find yourself nervous and don't know what to say, try being interested.

To being the most interested person in the room

The post How to be the most interesting person in the room appeared first on Workability Inc..

Do you know the song "Hearts and Bones" by Paul Simon?  He’s written in it a great line, "This is how I love you baby."  He is pointing to the fact that we frequently don’t let others express their love for us in the manner and the way that they express love.  As soon as we are in a relationship with another, we bring all of our "stuff" to it.  And we often demand that the other love us, OUR WAY.  Have you ever heard, said, or thought, "If you loved me, then you would…"  

This communication reveals something important.  When we are frightened, we try to control others and our environment.  We get scared that the person we love, doesn’t love us, then we try to squeeze it out of them.   When we begin to feel the need to control the other and their expressions (e.g. to elicit from them some statement about their love for us) we strangle it.  We want them to show affection our way and not their way.  We want them to stop doing that and do this other thing instead.  We try to turn them into what we thought we needed as children. Suddenly all the care and love we didn’t receive becomes their job.  

When you catch yourself insisting that the other needs to change for you to be happy, it is an important time to pause.  To slow down and ask yourself, what am I afraid of?  If you do not identify the fear, you risk acting from it in ways that do not reflect your true thoughts and feelings.  

If you want to jump ahead a few chapters, what we are truly seeking is not another’s love, but an experience of our own love, boundless and without conditions and limitations.  

One minor postscript to this, that we know some of you will be wondering about, is that it is critical in relationships to state your wants and needs.  This is a separate and distinct point that perhaps we will speak about in a future newsletter.

To loving and being loved simply,

The Workability Team

The post This is how I love you baby appeared first on Workability Inc..

"Too long a sacrifice

Can make a stone of the heart"

-W. B. Yeats

The post Preventing a stone heart appeared first on Workability Inc..

Here's how to deal with controlling people: Stop Trying To Control Them.  

Don't get on the dance floor if you don’t like the dance!

The post How to deal with controlling people appeared first on Workability Inc..

Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a “stupid argument” and asked, “how did we get here?”  Or awakened in the morning after an argument and forgotten what it was even about?

Here’s what we’ve found after years of working with business partners, couples, co-workers, friends, and families.  So called, “stupid arguments” can be some of the most useful tools for pinpointing an unworkable dynamic in a relationship.  Those arguments can serve as breadcrumbs that reliably lead to the real issue.

One of the reasons we created the online course, Clean the Slate: Learn How to Argue to Create Partnership, is because of our experience helping folks sort-out and get-out of problematic argument patterns.  Things such as shouting matches, walking out in a huff, having the same argument over-and-over without getting anywhere, and getting side-tracked off the real issue by nasty comments or so-called “zingers,” can be serious obstacles to effective and satisfying communication.

Here are a few pointers to consider:

The post 4 Steps to avoid “stupid” arguments appeared first on Workability Inc..