What’s really happening when we “take something for granted”?  We stop noticing a person, a thing, an event or a situation.  We stop being in the moment and experiencing all that it has to offer.  Usually, we experience less of the intense emotion that it first elicited.  In some ways, that’s a good thing.  We wouldn’t want to experience the extreme high spike of emotion we feel on our wedding day, or birth of a child every day. What went up sooner or later, will come down.  It’s lovely to have peaceful non-peak moments with our loved ones. 

Continued exposure to something is the most common reason we first start doing what we call taking it for granted.  When you are crossing the street in a foreign city, you are likely to be acutely present and aware of everything that is going on.  You are not likely to be daydreaming or distracted thinking about what you have to do late in the day.  Back home, you can be balancing grocery bags, or walking the dog as you cross the street without paying much attention and you’re probably just fine.  If we translate that over to relationships, it is easy to see what often happens.  The people that we spend all of our time with are often the ones who get less of our undivided attention.  We basically know their routines and can predict what they think and feel about most things so we think that we don’t have to be fully attentive.  But, of course that is not true and the costs are huge.  

The attention we give to others is not only important because we learn new things but also because we are giving our attention to them.  Our attention, care, concern, and interest in the other is valuable to ourselves as well to the other. We risk losing this special bond and valuable and precious moments when we take it for granted that we already know what they are going to say.   

It’s useful to think of taking things for granted as not being present in the moment.  Our presence and attention is good for us and those around us.  

To being present!

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There’s a phenomenon in the investment world called anchor bias.  Basically, it means that an investor holds onto a stock because they initially thought it would perform very well and when it starts to go down they don’t want to admit they were wrong and so they continue hanging on to it.  The losses then compound turning a small loss into a huge loss.  Investors have not stumbled upon a new psychological wonder of the human mind, many of us have an anchor bias.   Basically, we don’t want to face the truth and accept an uncomfortable moment, admit we were wrong, think we are stupid, or feel ashamed, even though it would likely prevent a bigger calamity down the road.

This is dangerous!  It may seem obvious, but we all need to be reminded of this because we are all at risk of making this foolish deal.  This conversation came up over a dinner we were having recently with an investor friend of ours.  He was sharing that because of all his time spent investing (well) he had become better at avoiding the anchor bias.  He said he’s gotten good at forcing himself to listen to opposing views and changing his mind.   These are such important skills to cultivate! 

Surely there is another term that gamblers use to describe players who continue upping the ante on a bad hand because they can’t bear losing the money they have already invested or losing face by folding.  There are probably countless names and terms for this phenomenon, which should further cue us into the need to safeguard against it damaging our lives.

Can you identify anything in your life that you have been throwing good energy after bad?  Do you know in the back (or front!) of your mind that certain endeavors, projects, people, situations need to pivot or end?  It is not easy to face these things, but it is easier to face now then when there is more damage and loss.  A follow up question is what ways have you come up with to keep your mind flexible, open to new ideas, and eager to see your own errors.

These are the kinds of discussions and questions you can expect when you work with us.  We can help you sift through these challenging questions.  It’s not easy to do alone.  

To staying flexible!

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Have you ever had or do you currently have poor posture?  Have you ever had to rehab from an injury that made you need to change your normal posture or walking gait or something similar to that?  We’re hoping a good number of you have your hands raised, because this metaphor depends on it! 

Good posture actually feels wrong when you are habituated to bad posture.  If you physically adjust someone with a crooked posture to stand straight and balanced, they can almost fall over because it feels SO WRONG!  Their bodies and minds have gotten so used to the unaligned posture that it feels straight to them.  

This is an apt metaphor for the work we do.  Oftentimes when you are working on rediscovering your authentic voice, it can feel jarring or unnatural.  This is why it is so important to have a safe and free space to explore and try things on without consequences.  Our work provides that safe “playground” or “fitting room” to try on our ideas.  It’s a room, a space for our clients to explore themselves.  

Sometimes something feels wrong because it is wrong and other times it feels wrong because you are so used to doing, saying, feeling something else.  It is this latter category that really interests us.  There is a lot of undiscovered and beautiful “stuff” in those feelings, thoughts, and actions. 

To trying things on

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One of the things we often hear from our clients when they are frustrated about changing an unworkable pattern is that they struggle to apply what they have learned and realized in their session with us out in the “real world.”  Often, the problem is the cognitive understanding that something isn’t good for you is very different from the in-the-moment experience.  Our minds think, "oh, ok, I understand why I did that and now I know it doesn’t work, I won’t ever do that again."  But when we are met with the same stimulus out in “the real world,” the old pattern often dominates.  So, what is happening? 

Well, in essence, we’ve created a habit and every time we’re met with a certain stimulus, we react the same, despite knowing better.  With time and proper attention, habits can be changed.  They were created by you and therefore new ones can be made by you as well.  It sounds simple and it usually takes time and courage to change unworkable and undesirable habits.  Many of the more significant ones were formed during times of heightened emotions, trauma and/or fear. 

What is often most helpful when trying to change a long held habit is modifying your expectation.  This way you are able to put in the time and effort without feeling discouraged every time you slip.  You don’t need to never react in that habitual way again; that is too high of an expectation.  You are likely going to find yourself having reacted that way or being midway through that reaction before you realize, ah, here it is again.  Noticing is an essential step. 

Changing a habit requires slowing down, increased awareness, attention, courage, and time.  And if you create the proper expectations around that, you can do that work in a more satisfying and effective way.

To noticing your habits

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A prolonged period of indecision can have a terribly draining effect on us.  We’re sure you’ve experienced being on the fence about something and feeling a great relief when you finally make your decision.  It is frequent to even hear people say, "I’m just so happy to have finally decided!"  The emphasis is on being out of the indecision, NOT what was decided!  Don’t you find that curious?   

Have you ever wondered why it is so depleting to be on the fence?  To be neither here nor there?  Well, one reason is that it prevents us from bringing our whole self to our endeavor.  We put ourselves in a holding pattern, essentially living out in our minds the pros and cons of both options.  Let’s say you are undecided about moving.  In this case you are neither packing nor improving your current home.  When you don’t know which choice is "best," you are rightly hesitant to invest yourself into it.  And here lies the problem.  

Contrary to what seems logical, what exhausts us the most is when we are holding back.  Think of the last time you were fully "in" on a project or endeavor.  Do you remember being surprised by your increased energy level?  When we are sure of our direction and give ourselves fully to that direction, we can go further than we imagined possible.   

Although indecision is a dangerous place for us to live long-term, there are situations in life that require deliberation.  One thing that can be helpful when you are in a period of indecision about your next step is to make many decisions inside the larger decision.  For example, decide to "not decide" for the next 2 hours.  Or, decide that you need to speak with a particular person before committing.  There are thousands of these "little" decisions that can be helpful in protecting your energy whilst you are undecided about the larger issue.  If we only focus on the big decision "do it" or "don't do it," that is when we really start to feel drained.  

To the power of being fully invested!

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An easy example of commitment is marriage.  If you are married, you have made a commitment to your spouse.  Nonetheless, you can have arguments, you can hate each other for a day, one of you could lose a job, suffer an illness, you could have children, you will grow older, etc. All of those fall into the category of LIFE.  They create a lot of volatility.  However, the beauty of a commitment, how we define it, is that NONE of that stuff, none of life’s turbulence changes the commitment you made to your spouse.

This is perhaps, you might say, an idealistic vision of commitment, but we think it is illustrative of how profound an effect commitment can have on our experience of being alive.  If every time something in life changes, your commitment also shifts, it would be incredibly destabilizing.  You not only need to attend to whatever just happened, say loss of a job, but you simultaneously need to fret and stress about whether you and your spouse are going to stay together.  This is certainly the conventional approach.  We’re sure many of you reading this can recall times where life's circumstances had you questioning your commitment.  It is a big contributor to stress and in fact, relationship problems.  

When a problem arises, if half your mind is thinking, maybe I should just jump ship here, you are not fully invested in solving that problem.  If we shift and think of a commitment to a goal, then the same applies.  If reaching your goal depends on everything going your way, you’re in trouble.  The hero stories we all love happen when someone maintains their commitment to their goal and stays the course, despite everything else that is going on in the world.  If turbulence in life makes the future Olympian less committed to winning the gold, they will likely never compete in the Olympics.  

The point here is that a good predictor of success (well-being, happiness) is commitment.  It is only with commitment that we can view the volatility of life with a sense of calm and level headedness.  It is the thing that is unshakeable.  And that could even be something like being true to your vision, your truth.  

To finding our fixed point

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It’s pretty common these days for people to talk about sitting with a feeling or allowing “negative” thoughts without resisting them.  It is in the zeitgeist, whereas just 10-15 years ago you hardly ever heard it. 

It’s great that it is more common to hear the wisdom of “let it be” more universally spoken.  But, at times, things that are widespread also get diluted.  We think this might be one of them.  Letting things be is very different than just ignoring them.  It is our hunch that sometimes folks are using the wisdom of “allowing” and “letting be” as a way to avoid truly dealing with a challenging emotion or situation.

How can you tell the difference?  Letting things be does not mean that we start feeling good.  In fact, sitting with those challenging emotions sometimes can be quite unnerving.  However, when we let the feeling be, peace is the usual result.  One way to tell if you are suppressing something versus letting it be is how disturbed you become when you are reminded of it.  If you've been trying to keep it out of your consciousness (suppressing) then most likely being reminded of it will feel quite agitating.  On the other hand when we are letting something be, it can remain in our consciousness and we get more and more comfortable with the feelings it evokes.

It can be quite challenging to experience something uncomfortable and not think you should be doing something to change it or stop it entirely.  When we face something difficult, we quickly look for relief.  Which is why, letting it be, is such a challenge.  

Letting it be does not mean not doing something about it, it means not distracting yourself from the experience and feelings you are having.  It also means not picking at it, like a scab.  It means what it says it means…letting it just be, without doing anything to it.

Pay attention to yourself.  Can you start distinguishing the experience of letting something be versus suppressing how you feel?  The downstream effects are profound if you can start practicing letting things be more consistently.  

To letting it be,

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There are a lot of things that are simple but not easy.  The instructions can be simple, for example, eat less processed foods. It’s perhaps simple and probably not easy.  Place your attention on your breath. Again, simple, and probably not so easy.  Many of the best pieces of wisdom are simple; which is different from being easy.  

We bring this up because sometimes we get easily discouraged when we confuse simple for easy.  When you set off on a simple path but find you can’t do it, you might think some self- deprecating thoughts.  You might get discouraged.  You might become embarrassed to ask for help.  

All of these things get in the way of heading down a productive path.  It is helpful to remind yourself at these times that the endeavor might be simple, but is not easy.  Simple is not a synonym for easy.  Climbing a mountain is simple; it’s the same thing over and over, one foot in front of the next, but it is never easy.  In fact, it can be quite rewarding because it is not easy.  Some of the most satisfying experiences we have are succeeding at the simple tasks of life.  A lot of that is because they are not easy!

To simplicity, even when it’s not easy

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Artists who are looking to recreate life-like images of either landscapes, people or any kind of object that we see in reality, have to constantly battle with what is known as the “object mind”  The “object mind” is the concept that each of us has an image of what something looks like in our mind.  For example, if right now I told you to draw a mug, you would draw something that your mind has created as an image or concept of a mug.  The mug, assuming you are not trained in overriding the object mind, would probably look somewhat cartoonish.  It would likely not have the characteristics that we all know to be a real mug.  

However, if I showed you a mug and told you, draw this mug, you would probably  begin to notice a lot of details and new things about the mug.  You would notice how the handle relates and connects to the body of the mug, you would see shadows on the mug, you would see dimensionality of the mug and how it isn’t just floating in space.  

For artists, the object mind is a very real obstacle.  They must train themselves to see past their idea of what something looks like to see what it actually looks like.  The reason this is relevant for us is because there is a similarity to how we listen.  Sometimes, we listen to what we think is being said, instead of listening to hear what is actually being said.  

Our active listening can sometimes click off when we think we know where someone is going with an idea that they are sharing.  As Scooby-Doo would say, “ruh-roh.”  There is not much more we need to say here; the problem becomes quite evident.  

So, what is the solution?  As artists have learned to do, we need to constantly demand of ourselves to listen to what is in front of us, not what our minds are telling us should be in front of us.  This is not a task that you can check off a to-do list, but something that you have to attend to and work on daily and in the moment.  There is no shortcut, but like great artists, you can get better and better at it as you continue to practice.

To listening

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Let’s talk about feelings and tooth decay!  You didn’t know you wanted that, did you?!  If your tooth has decay we can all agree that you are past the point of being able to fix the problem with good dental hygiene habits.  You need a dentist.  We are going to call this the problem solving phase of life.  The problem solving phase is often unpleasant, there is a lot to do, most of it is onerous or down right painful.  The one thing it has going for it is that it is very proactive.  You know what you have to do and it is just a matter of getting yourself up over that mountain.  

Once you’ve conquered the problem, in this case, the tooth decay has been cleaned out and you are basically back at square one with your tooth.  Now you enter the maintenance stage.  Which sounds much, much easier than the problem solving stage.  All you have to do is to keep that tooth cleaned and well flossed and you will never have to experience painful tooth drilling again.  The pitfall of the maintenance phase is that it is much easier to get complacent.  The fire-breathing dragon (aka the dentist) is not staring you down.  There is no problem that needs solving.  Maintenance phase is when you are doing what you know to do to prevent problems from ever showing up.  There is a special type of person that feels just as fired up about maintenance as the rest of us do about problem solving, and thank goodness for them because the world needs them.  For most of us, however, the maintenance phase ends up being the slow deterioration phase, landing us back in the problem phase.  

So, what can we do about this?  We’d all like to be better at the maintenance phase.  The practical solutions are to make lists, follow yourself up, create calendars with regular reminders, but those rarely make the difference.  We can ignore those alarms on our phone.   

Well, not to keep banging the same drum, but becoming more resilient to feeling your feelings will also make us better at the maintenance phase.  If we could sit down with each and every one of you and discuss the things in your life that keep getting neglected in that maintenance phase, we would bet that there are some resisted feelings around why doing that thing feels so onerous and unpleasant.  And it is that soup of suppressed feelings and resistance that makes all of the calendars and phone alarms fail in getting you to stay on top of whatever the thing is.

To the wondrous downstream effects of feeling your feelings

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