I was caught the other day singing the lyrics to the Rolling Stones song “You Can't Always Get What You Want,"  I say caught because I was singing it incorrectly.  I sang, “you can’t always want what you get.”  We rather love this little mistake.  At Workability, we spend a lot of time thinking about, and working with our clients on, increasing our experience of responsibility.  The conventional approach to life is to blame our circumstances for our happiness, sadness, well-being, any and all of our emotional states.  If something we don’t want happens, we feel sad.  If we get what we want we are happy.  

For us, the far more interesting, fruitful, and worthwhile endeavor in life is to spend time “wanting” (we would use the word accepting here) what it is that we already have.  It will always be true that “you can’t always get what you want.”  Getting what you want at every moment, day after day, is incredibly fickle.  It involves other people, the weather, world circumstances, and on and on.  Wanting what you get is not fickle at all!  It is completely in your domain to want what you get. In fact, as I write this newsletter, I am stuck at the airport due to a cancelled flight and I will be here for the next 9 hours.  I could kick and scream and pout about it (which I did for a minute), or I could decide to “want what I’ve got.”  What I’ve got is a lot of time to write newsletters.

To wanting what we’ve got

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The other day we heard a friend describe what he termed a “reality tunnel.”  We had never heard the phrase before.  When we construct our own “reality tunnels,” we pick and choose the “facts” that make up the walls and ground and ceiling of that tunnel.  Once we are in the tunnel, nothing gets in or out other than things that confirm that particular  belief.  You know where we are going with this…it’s not good.  

Over the past few years, as we have learned about algorithms on social media, we have all become more cautious of this.  And, it is still really rare to find someone who acknowledges that they are already in a reality tunnel.  It is often discussed as something to ward against, not something to find your way out of.  We think it's the other people who are in them.

Our contribution to this issue is to say that this is not a new phenomenon of the social media era.  Reality tunnels have always been constructed.  Our parents, our upbringing, our friends and family, who we go to school with, etc. these all assist in the creation of our reality tunnels.  

Being aware of our reality tunnels helps dissolve the borders of them.  If, rather than taking your thoughts, feelings, and attitudes for granted, you thought, “I wonder how I would feel about this if I had been born elsewhere or had different parents, or at a different time,” you would be more equipped to see outside the tunnel.  

To knowing when you are in a tunnel

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Our expectations are a type of habit.  For example, every morning when you start your morning routine, you probably expect your faucet to run.  It is a habit that is ingrained in your mind, when you turn the handle, water comes out.  These expectations streamline our life, we can swiftly move through our morning because we can predict the running water will be there to aid us through our routine.  We don’t need to wake up early just in case we might need to fetch water from the river.  All that is very good and few of us would ever consider trading it.  Let’s also look at the downside.  The downside is diminished appreciation in those everyday moments when water comes out of the tap.  Our expectation, our habit of knowing water will be readily available can create a disconnect from our gratitude for it.  

If we want to experience life as a young child would, we would need very few expectations, perhaps none.  The wonder we so admire in them comes from a lack of habits, a lack of expectations.  They are experiencing life’s events for the first time and they pause and are amazed. 

Now, we are not recommending we all start walking around like ga-ga eyed babies gasping at each thing as we make our commute to work, but rather reminding ourselves that our expectations are ripping us off from moments of pure joy, happiness, and wonder.  What if every single day we could feel a tenth of the appreciation that we feel when lost electricity gets restored? 

To noticing our expectations

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What’s really happening when we “take something for granted”?  We stop noticing a person, a thing, an event or a situation.  We stop being in the moment and experiencing all that it has to offer.  Usually, we experience less of the intense emotion that it first elicited.  In some ways, that’s a good thing.  We wouldn’t want to experience the extreme high spike of emotion we feel on our wedding day, or birth of a child every day. What went up sooner or later, will come down.  It’s lovely to have peaceful non-peak moments with our loved ones. 

Continued exposure to something is the most common reason we first start doing what we call taking it for granted.  When you are crossing the street in a foreign city, you are likely to be acutely present and aware of everything that is going on.  You are not likely to be daydreaming or distracted thinking about what you have to do late in the day.  Back home, you can be balancing grocery bags, or walking the dog as you cross the street without paying much attention and you’re probably just fine.  If we translate that over to relationships, it is easy to see what often happens.  The people that we spend all of our time with are often the ones who get less of our undivided attention.  We basically know their routines and can predict what they think and feel about most things so we think that we don’t have to be fully attentive.  But, of course that is not true and the costs are huge.  

The attention we give to others is not only important because we learn new things but also because we are giving our attention to them.  Our attention, care, concern, and interest in the other is valuable to ourselves as well to the other. We risk losing this special bond and valuable and precious moments when we take it for granted that we already know what they are going to say.   

It’s useful to think of taking things for granted as not being present in the moment.  Our presence and attention is good for us and those around us.  

To being present!

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There’s a phenomenon in the investment world called anchor bias.  Basically, it means that an investor holds onto a stock because they initially thought it would perform very well and when it starts to go down they don’t want to admit they were wrong and so they continue hanging on to it.  The losses then compound turning a small loss into a huge loss.  Investors have not stumbled upon a new psychological wonder of the human mind, many of us have an anchor bias.   Basically, we don’t want to face the truth and accept an uncomfortable moment, admit we were wrong, think we are stupid, or feel ashamed, even though it would likely prevent a bigger calamity down the road.

This is dangerous!  It may seem obvious, but we all need to be reminded of this because we are all at risk of making this foolish deal.  This conversation came up over a dinner we were having recently with an investor friend of ours.  He was sharing that because of all his time spent investing (well) he had become better at avoiding the anchor bias.  He said he’s gotten good at forcing himself to listen to opposing views and changing his mind.   These are such important skills to cultivate! 

Surely there is another term that gamblers use to describe players who continue upping the ante on a bad hand because they can’t bear losing the money they have already invested or losing face by folding.  There are probably countless names and terms for this phenomenon, which should further cue us into the need to safeguard against it damaging our lives.

Can you identify anything in your life that you have been throwing good energy after bad?  Do you know in the back (or front!) of your mind that certain endeavors, projects, people, situations need to pivot or end?  It is not easy to face these things, but it is easier to face now then when there is more damage and loss.  A follow up question is what ways have you come up with to keep your mind flexible, open to new ideas, and eager to see your own errors.

These are the kinds of discussions and questions you can expect when you work with us.  We can help you sift through these challenging questions.  It’s not easy to do alone.  

To staying flexible!

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Have you ever had or do you currently have poor posture?  Have you ever had to rehab from an injury that made you need to change your normal posture or walking gait or something similar to that?  We’re hoping a good number of you have your hands raised, because this metaphor depends on it! 

Good posture actually feels wrong when you are habituated to bad posture.  If you physically adjust someone with a crooked posture to stand straight and balanced, they can almost fall over because it feels SO WRONG!  Their bodies and minds have gotten so used to the unaligned posture that it feels straight to them.  

This is an apt metaphor for the work we do.  Oftentimes when you are working on rediscovering your authentic voice, it can feel jarring or unnatural.  This is why it is so important to have a safe and free space to explore and try things on without consequences.  Our work provides that safe “playground” or “fitting room” to try on our ideas.  It’s a room, a space for our clients to explore themselves.  

Sometimes something feels wrong because it is wrong and other times it feels wrong because you are so used to doing, saying, feeling something else.  It is this latter category that really interests us.  There is a lot of undiscovered and beautiful “stuff” in those feelings, thoughts, and actions. 

To trying things on

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One of the things we often hear from our clients when they are frustrated about changing an unworkable pattern is that they struggle to apply what they have learned and realized in their session with us out in the “real world.”  Often, the problem is the cognitive understanding that something isn’t good for you is very different from the in-the-moment experience.  Our minds think, "oh, ok, I understand why I did that and now I know it doesn’t work, I won’t ever do that again."  But when we are met with the same stimulus out in “the real world,” the old pattern often dominates.  So, what is happening? 

Well, in essence, we’ve created a habit and every time we’re met with a certain stimulus, we react the same, despite knowing better.  With time and proper attention, habits can be changed.  They were created by you and therefore new ones can be made by you as well.  It sounds simple and it usually takes time and courage to change unworkable and undesirable habits.  Many of the more significant ones were formed during times of heightened emotions, trauma and/or fear. 

What is often most helpful when trying to change a long held habit is modifying your expectation.  This way you are able to put in the time and effort without feeling discouraged every time you slip.  You don’t need to never react in that habitual way again; that is too high of an expectation.  You are likely going to find yourself having reacted that way or being midway through that reaction before you realize, ah, here it is again.  Noticing is an essential step. 

Changing a habit requires slowing down, increased awareness, attention, courage, and time.  And if you create the proper expectations around that, you can do that work in a more satisfying and effective way.

To noticing your habits

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A prolonged period of indecision can have a terribly draining effect on us.  We’re sure you’ve experienced being on the fence about something and feeling a great relief when you finally make your decision.  It is frequent to even hear people say, "I’m just so happy to have finally decided!"  The emphasis is on being out of the indecision, NOT what was decided!  Don’t you find that curious?   

Have you ever wondered why it is so depleting to be on the fence?  To be neither here nor there?  Well, one reason is that it prevents us from bringing our whole self to our endeavor.  We put ourselves in a holding pattern, essentially living out in our minds the pros and cons of both options.  Let’s say you are undecided about moving.  In this case you are neither packing nor improving your current home.  When you don’t know which choice is "best," you are rightly hesitant to invest yourself into it.  And here lies the problem.  

Contrary to what seems logical, what exhausts us the most is when we are holding back.  Think of the last time you were fully "in" on a project or endeavor.  Do you remember being surprised by your increased energy level?  When we are sure of our direction and give ourselves fully to that direction, we can go further than we imagined possible.   

Although indecision is a dangerous place for us to live long-term, there are situations in life that require deliberation.  One thing that can be helpful when you are in a period of indecision about your next step is to make many decisions inside the larger decision.  For example, decide to "not decide" for the next 2 hours.  Or, decide that you need to speak with a particular person before committing.  There are thousands of these "little" decisions that can be helpful in protecting your energy whilst you are undecided about the larger issue.  If we only focus on the big decision "do it" or "don't do it," that is when we really start to feel drained.  

To the power of being fully invested!

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An easy example of commitment is marriage.  If you are married, you have made a commitment to your spouse.  Nonetheless, you can have arguments, you can hate each other for a day, one of you could lose a job, suffer an illness, you could have children, you will grow older, etc. All of those fall into the category of LIFE.  They create a lot of volatility.  However, the beauty of a commitment, how we define it, is that NONE of that stuff, none of life’s turbulence changes the commitment you made to your spouse.

This is perhaps, you might say, an idealistic vision of commitment, but we think it is illustrative of how profound an effect commitment can have on our experience of being alive.  If every time something in life changes, your commitment also shifts, it would be incredibly destabilizing.  You not only need to attend to whatever just happened, say loss of a job, but you simultaneously need to fret and stress about whether you and your spouse are going to stay together.  This is certainly the conventional approach.  We’re sure many of you reading this can recall times where life's circumstances had you questioning your commitment.  It is a big contributor to stress and in fact, relationship problems.  

When a problem arises, if half your mind is thinking, maybe I should just jump ship here, you are not fully invested in solving that problem.  If we shift and think of a commitment to a goal, then the same applies.  If reaching your goal depends on everything going your way, you’re in trouble.  The hero stories we all love happen when someone maintains their commitment to their goal and stays the course, despite everything else that is going on in the world.  If turbulence in life makes the future Olympian less committed to winning the gold, they will likely never compete in the Olympics.  

The point here is that a good predictor of success (well-being, happiness) is commitment.  It is only with commitment that we can view the volatility of life with a sense of calm and level headedness.  It is the thing that is unshakeable.  And that could even be something like being true to your vision, your truth.  

To finding our fixed point

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It’s pretty common these days for people to talk about sitting with a feeling or allowing “negative” thoughts without resisting them.  It is in the zeitgeist, whereas just 10-15 years ago you hardly ever heard it. 

It’s great that it is more common to hear the wisdom of “let it be” more universally spoken.  But, at times, things that are widespread also get diluted.  We think this might be one of them.  Letting things be is very different than just ignoring them.  It is our hunch that sometimes folks are using the wisdom of “allowing” and “letting be” as a way to avoid truly dealing with a challenging emotion or situation.

How can you tell the difference?  Letting things be does not mean that we start feeling good.  In fact, sitting with those challenging emotions sometimes can be quite unnerving.  However, when we let the feeling be, peace is the usual result.  One way to tell if you are suppressing something versus letting it be is how disturbed you become when you are reminded of it.  If you've been trying to keep it out of your consciousness (suppressing) then most likely being reminded of it will feel quite agitating.  On the other hand when we are letting something be, it can remain in our consciousness and we get more and more comfortable with the feelings it evokes.

It can be quite challenging to experience something uncomfortable and not think you should be doing something to change it or stop it entirely.  When we face something difficult, we quickly look for relief.  Which is why, letting it be, is such a challenge.  

Letting it be does not mean not doing something about it, it means not distracting yourself from the experience and feelings you are having.  It also means not picking at it, like a scab.  It means what it says it means…letting it just be, without doing anything to it.

Pay attention to yourself.  Can you start distinguishing the experience of letting something be versus suppressing how you feel?  The downstream effects are profound if you can start practicing letting things be more consistently.  

To letting it be,

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