There’s a phenomenon in the investment world called anchor bias.  Basically, it means that an investor holds onto a stock because they initially thought it would perform very well and when it starts to go down they don’t want to admit they were wrong and so they continue hanging on to it.  The losses then compound turning a small loss into a huge loss.  Investors have not stumbled upon a new psychological wonder of the human mind, many of us have an anchor bias.   Basically, we don’t want to face the truth and accept an uncomfortable moment, admit we were wrong, think we are stupid, or feel ashamed, even though it would likely prevent a bigger calamity down the road.

This is dangerous!  It may seem obvious, but we all need to be reminded of this because we are all at risk of making this foolish deal.  This conversation came up over a dinner we were having recently with an investor friend of ours.  He was sharing that because of all his time spent investing (well) he had become better at avoiding the anchor bias.  He said he’s gotten good at forcing himself to listen to opposing views and changing his mind.   These are such important skills to cultivate! 

Surely there is another term that gamblers use to describe players who continue upping the ante on a bad hand because they can’t bear losing the money they have already invested or losing face by folding.  There are probably countless names and terms for this phenomenon, which should further cue us into the need to safeguard against it damaging our lives.

Can you identify anything in your life that you have been throwing good energy after bad?  Do you know in the back (or front!) of your mind that certain endeavors, projects, people, situations need to pivot or end?  It is not easy to face these things, but it is easier to face now then when there is more damage and loss.  A follow up question is what ways have you come up with to keep your mind flexible, open to new ideas, and eager to see your own errors.

These are the kinds of discussions and questions you can expect when you work with us.  We can help you sift through these challenging questions.  It’s not easy to do alone.  

To staying flexible!

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Artists who are looking to recreate life-like images of either landscapes, people or any kind of object that we see in reality, have to constantly battle with what is known as the “object mind”  The “object mind” is the concept that each of us has an image of what something looks like in our mind.  For example, if right now I told you to draw a mug, you would draw something that your mind has created as an image or concept of a mug.  The mug, assuming you are not trained in overriding the object mind, would probably look somewhat cartoonish.  It would likely not have the characteristics that we all know to be a real mug.  

However, if I showed you a mug and told you, draw this mug, you would probably  begin to notice a lot of details and new things about the mug.  You would notice how the handle relates and connects to the body of the mug, you would see shadows on the mug, you would see dimensionality of the mug and how it isn’t just floating in space.  

For artists, the object mind is a very real obstacle.  They must train themselves to see past their idea of what something looks like to see what it actually looks like.  The reason this is relevant for us is because there is a similarity to how we listen.  Sometimes, we listen to what we think is being said, instead of listening to hear what is actually being said.  

Our active listening can sometimes click off when we think we know where someone is going with an idea that they are sharing.  As Scooby-Doo would say, “ruh-roh.”  There is not much more we need to say here; the problem becomes quite evident.  

So, what is the solution?  As artists have learned to do, we need to constantly demand of ourselves to listen to what is in front of us, not what our minds are telling us should be in front of us.  This is not a task that you can check off a to-do list, but something that you have to attend to and work on daily and in the moment.  There is no shortcut, but like great artists, you can get better and better at it as you continue to practice.

To listening

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Ideally, we want our big important communications to feel like, "what’s next?" instead of "phew, I’m glad that’s over."  Too often, we view the things we want to say as discrete events, rather than a process that must evolve and adapt according to the ever changing situation.  

Have you ever been guilty of wiping your brow after a challenging communication and then not following-up?  In addition to having the courage to say the hard, scary, big things, great communicators are diligent to say and keep track of the easy and banal things.

It is hard to not fall into the trap of thinking, “I said it, now the rest is on them.”  Good communication usually includes the need to follow up.  It includes support and checking back-in.  Your message might have left your mouth, but there is a lot between that and having your desired effect.  The more you tend to your communications and the people you communicate with, the more likely it will be that you accomplish your desired result.

To staying in the process

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words left unspoken go off to scream deep inside us.

- Christian Bobin

It is quite an evocative idea.  The one edit we would make to this sentence is that words left unspoken, because you’re afraid to share them, go off to scream deep inside of us.  

When we think we CAN’T say something,  when we think our choice has been taken from us and we have to shut up, we harbor those unspoken words inside of us and they often eat away at our well-being and health.  

One of the ways we help our clients is by increasing their experience of choice.  It can be deeply damaging when we consider we have lost autonomy and choice.  Think of those moments when you’ve thought, “I can’t say that” or thought that you have to say something that isn’t true for you (for instance apologizing).  These unexpressed feelings tend to fester.  

The solution is not to say everything, but rather to pay attention to those times when you say things like, "I can’t say that” or "I have no choice but to stay quiet.”  At times, of course, It may be prudent for you to not say something.  Knowing that you are choosing not to say something can be the difference between peace and suffering.  More on this to come!

To choosing!

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We often think of ourselves as the main character in life.  Everything is revolving around us afterall…

We tend to think more about the things that we need to say, the things that we need to do, the goals that we have, the troubles in our life, more than we think about that list for others.

How would life change if we spent a little more time thinking about who needs our ears right now?  Rather than who needs our words right now.  Who needs our support right now?  Who needs us to be a great supporting actor to their big scene, or even their small scene, right now?  

These questions take us out of our own personal dramas.  We cause ourselves so much suffering when we ruminate on our troubles, or obsess over what the right decision is, or kick ourselves for not following through on dreams.  More often than not, the time we spend only looking inward and at ourselves is causing us to suffer.  

Sometimes it’s nice to step back and really look outside of the same places we always tend to focus.  Ultimately, it’s all just a trick of the mind, a trick of perception, but it is nice to realize, in the middle of a personal upset, that in fact there is no cosmic spotlight on us and our troubles, and come to the realization that we are no different than anyone else and their troubles deserve as much attention as our own.  

Don’t fall into the trap of living in your own universe and missing who and what needs your attention.  If it is not screaming for your attention, good, but give it attention anyway. 

To listening

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For many of us, there are questions we loathe being asked.  Whether it’s just in daily life or we’re going to a party at work, a family event, or a high-school reunion, there is often a question (or several) that we dread someone asking.  Sometimes we find the idea of answering these questions so onerous that we avoid the people asking them as well as the situations where we imagine they will be asked.  

The problem is that we often think that we’re handcuffed to the question, following it to a place we don’t want to go, rather than leading the conversation where we want.  What if you answered the question you wished you had been asked?  For example if you hate answering the question, what do you do?  How about answering  what you’re excited by right now or what you are currently inspired by?

This actually leads us into talking about a broader topic.  Are you taking the lead from others or are you leading?  In this example, are you getting cornered by answering questions you would rather not pursue?  Or, are you driving the conversation where you want it to go?  There is obviously a balance required, so that your whole life doesn’t become just a one-sided expression of only what you want to talk about, however it’s always important to consider who is driving your life.  Are you letting yourself be steered in directions not of your choosing?  

To steering our life

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Do you ever lie to avoid another’s disappointment?

Here’s an example: Instead of saying I don’t want to go to the graduation, you say, "Oh sorry, I have other plans," when in fact you have no plans, you just really don’t want to go.  

One of the reasons we might do this is because we are frightened of disappointing or upsetting the other person.  We are frightened that the other person can’t handle the truth and we’ll damage the relationship.  

Now, in some cases, this is true.  Opting for politeness is quite savvy at times.  But, if we err in one direction it tends to be to think that the relationship can’t handle the truth.  

As a result of this, we have fewer close and intimate relationships.  The people we love most in the world are usually the ones we feel free to say "you know what, I just don’t want to go..."  

There certainly is no one-size-fits-all recipe for determining what is right to say to whom and when, but it is an interesting idea to ponder.  Are there some relationships that might be worth the risk to tell the whole truth?  Consider what you might gain if you give someone a greater understanding of who you are, rather than just a conventional, polite response.  Are you missing out on a best friend by thinking they wouldn’t understand you? 

To knowing when to take a risk

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Have you ever said “I’m sorry” as a way to avoid truly taking responsibility for a wrong-doing?  

Throw away lines don’t belong in our relationships.  They create disconnection when there is an opportunity for connection.  Sometimes we use “sorry" when we don’t want to really look at how we have affected and upset another.  As you probably already know, avoidance likely does more harm to the other and rips us off from an opportunity to grow, learn, and be truly connected in our relationships.  

It is challenging at times to push ourselves to look deeper.  Especially when we have a socially acceptable phrase like “I’m sorry” that usually does the trick, and gets us off the hook.

In addition, I’m sorry is also missing any word that would express emotion.  For example: I regret that I…. or I’m sad that I…. 

Sorry is a fine word.  We aren’t trying to convince anyone to stop using the word.  But it does more harm than good when it is used as a throw-away.  

To connection

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The conventional approach to compromise is that it is a necessary component for healthy relationships.  The usual line is: To have a good relationship, you need to compromise.  We couldn’t disagree more.  The common definition of compromise is that one party concedes to the other.  And if we look up concede, we find the word defeat.  Essentially one party has to sacrifice what they want.  You can see how with just a little digging, compromise (conceding, defeat, and sacrifice) doesn’t sound like a desired ingredient for good relationships, rather it appears to be the fertile ground for resentment, mistrust, and competition.  

It seems to boil down to the question: In order for one person to get what they want, i.e. win, does the other need to lose?  We say an assertive NO.  Mutuality and mutual-wins come from communication and enrollment.  If before heading into any decision, both parties were to decide this needs to be a total win for both of us, think how differently they would bring themselves to that conversation.  

Once we are willing to reveal our whole truth, why something matters to us, and how much we care about it working out well for everyone, our ability to come up with mutually beneficial solutions is amazingly increased.  Starting with the intention that everyone is going to walk away with what they want, can and will drastically change the outcome of the conversation.  

If you are thinking this is too Pollyanna, well maybe it is.  But we would rather imagine and act consistent with a future of mutual wins than settle for the conventional win-lose model that has been the source of so many unworkable outcomes.

To mutuality

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The other day I was at lunch with two friends who were working something out that was of so little consequence, it could barely even be called an argument.  Then all of a sudden it seemed to erupt.  The “how dare you accuse me of” and “how could you think I…” started and they were off.  As a witness, I could see that they were neither understanding each other, nor were they looking to understand each other. They were in the protect/attack mode that we so often get into when we’re in an argument or feeling threatened.

As I was listening to them, I realized how much they both seemed like computers that needed a restart.  All of their usual abilities to communicate clearly and effectively were jammed up.  I’m sure you know that moment when your computer just stops responding to normal commands, a document you tried to open two minutes ago suddenly opens, your email stops loading, and you get alerts about programs failing to respond.   Usually, the computer just simply needs to be restarted.   This simple model is applicable to us humans as well.  Restart – take a minute, get back to yourself, think of how you want to bring yourself to this argument, and start again.

One caveat: Be mindful of the classic approach of taking a break to “cool off” during an argument and then later just avoiding it all together.  It may take a few restarts, and we think you’ll find this really helps.

To as many restarts as it takes. 

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