One of the things we often hear from our clients when they are frustrated about changing an unworkable pattern is that they struggle to apply what they have learned and realized in their session with us out in the “real world.”  Often, the problem is the cognitive understanding that something isn’t good for you is very different from the in-the-moment experience.  Our minds think, "oh, ok, I understand why I did that and now I know it doesn’t work, I won’t ever do that again."  But when we are met with the same stimulus out in “the real world,” the old pattern often dominates.  So, what is happening? 

Well, in essence, we’ve created a habit and every time we’re met with a certain stimulus, we react the same, despite knowing better.  With time and proper attention, habits can be changed.  They were created by you and therefore new ones can be made by you as well.  It sounds simple and it usually takes time and courage to change unworkable and undesirable habits.  Many of the more significant ones were formed during times of heightened emotions, trauma and/or fear. 

What is often most helpful when trying to change a long held habit is modifying your expectation.  This way you are able to put in the time and effort without feeling discouraged every time you slip.  You don’t need to never react in that habitual way again; that is too high of an expectation.  You are likely going to find yourself having reacted that way or being midway through that reaction before you realize, ah, here it is again.  Noticing is an essential step. 

Changing a habit requires slowing down, increased awareness, attention, courage, and time.  And if you create the proper expectations around that, you can do that work in a more satisfying and effective way.

To noticing your habits

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A prolonged period of indecision can have a terribly draining effect on us.  We’re sure you’ve experienced being on the fence about something and feeling a great relief when you finally make your decision.  It is frequent to even hear people say, "I’m just so happy to have finally decided!"  The emphasis is on being out of the indecision, NOT what was decided!  Don’t you find that curious?   

Have you ever wondered why it is so depleting to be on the fence?  To be neither here nor there?  Well, one reason is that it prevents us from bringing our whole self to our endeavor.  We put ourselves in a holding pattern, essentially living out in our minds the pros and cons of both options.  Let’s say you are undecided about moving.  In this case you are neither packing nor improving your current home.  When you don’t know which choice is "best," you are rightly hesitant to invest yourself into it.  And here lies the problem.  

Contrary to what seems logical, what exhausts us the most is when we are holding back.  Think of the last time you were fully "in" on a project or endeavor.  Do you remember being surprised by your increased energy level?  When we are sure of our direction and give ourselves fully to that direction, we can go further than we imagined possible.   

Although indecision is a dangerous place for us to live long-term, there are situations in life that require deliberation.  One thing that can be helpful when you are in a period of indecision about your next step is to make many decisions inside the larger decision.  For example, decide to "not decide" for the next 2 hours.  Or, decide that you need to speak with a particular person before committing.  There are thousands of these "little" decisions that can be helpful in protecting your energy whilst you are undecided about the larger issue.  If we only focus on the big decision "do it" or "don't do it," that is when we really start to feel drained.  

To the power of being fully invested!

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An easy example of commitment is marriage.  If you are married, you have made a commitment to your spouse.  Nonetheless, you can have arguments, you can hate each other for a day, one of you could lose a job, suffer an illness, you could have children, you will grow older, etc. All of those fall into the category of LIFE.  They create a lot of volatility.  However, the beauty of a commitment, how we define it, is that NONE of that stuff, none of life’s turbulence changes the commitment you made to your spouse.

This is perhaps, you might say, an idealistic vision of commitment, but we think it is illustrative of how profound an effect commitment can have on our experience of being alive.  If every time something in life changes, your commitment also shifts, it would be incredibly destabilizing.  You not only need to attend to whatever just happened, say loss of a job, but you simultaneously need to fret and stress about whether you and your spouse are going to stay together.  This is certainly the conventional approach.  We’re sure many of you reading this can recall times where life's circumstances had you questioning your commitment.  It is a big contributor to stress and in fact, relationship problems.  

When a problem arises, if half your mind is thinking, maybe I should just jump ship here, you are not fully invested in solving that problem.  If we shift and think of a commitment to a goal, then the same applies.  If reaching your goal depends on everything going your way, you’re in trouble.  The hero stories we all love happen when someone maintains their commitment to their goal and stays the course, despite everything else that is going on in the world.  If turbulence in life makes the future Olympian less committed to winning the gold, they will likely never compete in the Olympics.  

The point here is that a good predictor of success (well-being, happiness) is commitment.  It is only with commitment that we can view the volatility of life with a sense of calm and level headedness.  It is the thing that is unshakeable.  And that could even be something like being true to your vision, your truth.  

To finding our fixed point

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Listening to a podcast the other day, we heard something interesting that went a little bit like this:  We judge others based on their actions not their intention, and we judge ourselves based on our intentions not our actions.  

It captures something interesting and ultimately true.  We assume that others' inner and outer worlds are basically the same.  However, we know our actions are sometimes in complete opposition to how we really feel and who we are.  The disclaimer here before continuing is that even if someone means well, it does not excuse them for treating us poorly.   However, there is a lot of grey area between someone treating us so poorly that we need to end the relationship and a perfect relationship.

When we are trying to prevent ourselves from over-reacting to something that someone has said or done, what do we usually do?  Frequently we try and think of WHY they might have done that or said that.  The guy who cut us off in traffic is racing to the hospital.  The girl who frowned at you at the grocery store is actually painfully shy.  

But, it takes work to come up with those compassion-inspiring interpretations.  Our lightning-fast reaction is to interpret their unpleasant (to us) actions as indicative of what kind of person they are.  But we do the opposite with ourselves, we have lots of explanations for why our actions are not great barometers of what we truly feel or who we are.  Not responding to someone's text isn’t because you don’t care about them, but rather because you're anxious not to say the wrong thing…and of course they should know that! 

Paying attention to this disparity can bring us a lot more peace and understanding for both others and ourselves.  There’s a reason the phrase, “give them the benefit of the doubt” is popular.  We tend not to give strangers, friends, family the benefit of compassion when we really don’t know their inner world.  As always, pausing and taking time before reacting (both internally and externally) usually bears soul-nourishing fruit.  

To benefiting from more doubt

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Q: What does it take to create happiness, well-being and peace in our lives?  

A: The right intention and the right conditions for that intention.  

There is an old saying in Buddhism that bringing a new idea to a new culture is like bringing a flower and a rock together.  

“The flower represents the potential for compassion and wisdom, clarity and joy to blossom in our life.  The rock represents the solidity of a bewildered mind.  If we want the flower to take root and grow, we have to work to create the right conditions….the problem for most of us is that we’re trying to grow a flower on a rock.  The garden hasn’t been tilled properly."  - Sakyong Mipham from Turning the Mind Into an Ally.

Most of us are wise enough to know what the right seeds are for happiness and well-being.  We are smart enough to know that planting “get rich seeds” won’t bring us happiness.  That planting "be famous" seeds won’t bring us satisfaction.  Having the right seeds is only the first step.  

We like to think of the seeds in this metaphor as your intention.  It is critical to pay attention to not only your intention, but the ecosystem your intention lives in.  To use a trite example, if you want to lose weight, going to an all-you-can-eat buffet every night is not going to help that seed grow.

Consider taking a moment now to reflect on whether you are creating the right conditions for your intention to be realized and to blossom?  

We ask that knowing it is a very challenging question to answer for yourself.  It is very hard to objectively see the water we are swimming in.  

In order to answer the question, you need awareness.  Awareness that a condition exists.  Awareness that a condition is not supportive to realizing your intention.  You need the awareness of what conducive conditions would be.

Awareness is our field.  We traffic in it and working with us can help you cultivate it and increase it where it matters most to you.  This alone will soften the surface of your mind.  There are also more active steps you can take to break up the solidity of your mind; we can help.  Respond to this email to find out more.

To the right conditions!

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We all want to make the right decisions; that’s obvious.  But sometimes the way we approach decisions actually gets in the way.  Case and point, struggling over what the "right decision" is.  Agonizing about this is counterproductive.  Throughout our lives we will make good decisions and poor decisions.  We will act rashly sometimes and we will act too slowly at others.  It’s unlikely we’ll ever get the statistics of how many decisions were under-researched versus over-researched.  Regardless of the number of decisions you make, your ability to take reality and make it into what you want is where the rubber meets the road.  

When we get concerned about making the right decision, we pay too much attention to the "what ifs" and not enough time on the "what is."  This is a poor allocation of resources.  We think the idea of a "right decision" is a myth.  The ones that could have been, will never be.  But the ones right in front of you can become anything you want them to be.  

Hopefully that doesn’t sound too Pollyanna.  Every moment we are making a decision. Inaction is a decision.  Instead of worrying if the decision will be right, start directing the course in the direction you want it to go.  

We hope this helps with anxiety around making the right decision.  It is up to us to make the decisions that we make, the right ones.

To making what is, "right"

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Last week we talked about promises and some of the things that eat away at our ability to produce our intended result.  Typically, the intention behind our promise is the most important thing to consider.  If we are less than consciously cutting corners and taking short cuts, instead of following through wholeheartedly on our promise, we are going to lose out.  

Last week we talked about our minds' amazing ability to seek out the most efficient path.  Sometimes that leads to a shortcut that actually derails the intention of our promise.  It’s not a bad thing that our minds seek efficiency.  It’s not a good thing either.  It just is what is.  Being aware that it is this way can help you spot all the times you are unwittingly eating away at your own intentions and promises. 

When you notice you are starting to take the shortcut, ask yourself what was the intention of this promise when I made it?  Oftentimes promises are not "set it and forget it". they require us to stay vigilant.  It is critical to continually remind ourselves what the intention of our promise is.  This helps us continue moving in the direction we want.  Otherwise, we can risk getting pulled off course by the "easiest path forward mode" or by the "keep my promise at all costs mode."  Agility is important. 

Although being efficient is a great thing, when it comes at the cost of sabotaging your intention or rigidly following a poorly set promise, then it is better to stop and ask yourself, "what was the intention of my promise?

To remembering your intention

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A lot of the focus around New Years is about what you learned this year and what you want to create for next year.  We have a slightly different question for you to ponder as we approach the New Year.

What did you change your mind about this year?

A mind that doesn’t change doesn't grow.  What did you see differently this year?  Who surprised you this year?  How did you surprise yourself this year?  What did you know for sure last year that you are now questioning?  

This is like mining for gold.  When we change our mind, we are adding new perspectives.  And this allows us to see reality more clearly.  

As you are thinking about the year to come and all that you accomplished (or didn’t accomplish) last year, we invite you to ask yourself some of these questions as well. 

To changing our minds

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Typically, both of these options are unpleasant at the moment.  When we are being courageous, we are usually filled with fear.  Our heart is racing and we don’t know if we are going to be up to the challenge.  Really, the experience of courage is only nice after the fact.  On the other hand, when we retreat we feel momentarily relieved, but potentially defeated and perhaps it puts us into a self-doubt spiral.  Whether you choose courage or retreat – both are quite challenging.  

What we want you to consider is that in both examples, we are strengthening our muscles.  Either the muscles of courage or the muscles of retreat.  Given that both create a challenging experience, what kind of muscles do you want to be building?  

To building the best muscles

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Trying to work with someone that you haven’t enrolled into your idea or endeavor is like trying to put a sock on someone who is fighting you.  We’ve all been with the reluctant and at times truculent partner.  It is a miserable process.  Every step you take, every idea you offer, every moment of collaboration is resisted, denied, or squandered.  

At this point, you have the option to steamroll the other, give up, or to slow down and start from square one.  Square one being the point where you jointly establish your desire to work together to produce a particular result.  Don’t bypass this important step.  Motivation, initiative, and effectiveness require that each person experience the agency and choice to say yes or no to the endeavor.  

Ask yourself do I have the other’s agreement and license to pursue this endeavor?  Did I push, cajole, force, or threaten them into it?  Did I avoid a potentially uncomfortable conversation and just barrel on with what I hoped they’d agree to?  Do they understand why this endeavor is important?  What is the best way to get them on board?  Have I given them the opportunity to say "no"?  

Pushing forward without addressing the resistance will usually result in lost time and more frustration.  Communication.  Communication.  Communication.  Slow down, communicate, and watch your results change.

To Communication

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