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November 2, 2021

It’s not fun being on either side of this tug of war.  In order to get out of it, one person needs to drop the rope.  What ends up happening however, is that both people blame the other for the condition.  “I wouldn’t nag you if you would just do it!”  And “if you would stop nagging me, maybe, I would be more inclined to do things around here!”  

Battle commence!  It becomes a showdown.  So to start with, both sides need to see that they are the problem.  Each side is keeping the condition called “nagging” alive.  

The first word out of a nagger’s mouth is, YOU.  You didn’t.  You should’ve.  You said.  So, for all the folks who raised their hands on the nagging side.  Try starting your sentences with “I”.  I’m upset that… or, I don’t like it when.

This requires vulnerability.  Because you are revealing something about yourself.  (Be mindful if you are showing your upset through your tone of voice, and furrowed brow and accusing rather than speaking how you feel.  Likely, if you change the way you speak, you will start feeling more deeply and get a different response from the other).

For the nagged, it is also a very similar story.  The immediate response is defense.  Not how they feel hearing what the nagger has to say.

Between the nagged and the nagger there is always a cycle of anger and resentment.  As well as a strong desire to come out on top, or in the right.  When we look deeper, we can see that the common denominator is that both parties are withholding their feelings, trying to win, and making sure not to lose.  

If you find yourself in this unpleasant loop, take a look at your feet.  Are they dug in?  Oftentimes our stubbornness prevents us from expressing how we really feel.  And the cycle just keeps repeating itself.  And, we become more and more resentful.

Consider experimenting with expressing how you feel.  That means no finger-pointing, no attacks, no defensiveness, and no tactics.  Pay attention to the different responses you start getting when you change your approach.

To changing the pattern!

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Since 1978 Workability has been helping individuals and organizations integrate who they are with what they do. Our greatest performances, relationships, and contributions are dependent on our authentic expression of who we are.

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